Sunday, August 21, 2011

Bend Over, Here It Comes Again.................

This should be the mantra of all coaches such as myself, the ones that coach the "lower" teams or levels.  I coach the B Team at our school.  We call it the Gold team because they want the kids to think that we divided the teams equally, and this is a chance to give them more playing time.  Unfortunately, you don't have to be a genius to look at our Green or A team in order to realize that there is a difference.  If your kid is playing with me, chances are, they wear their helmet sideways, their pants backwards, and have to be told repeatedly which way the ball is supposed to go.

Now not all kids that play on the Gold team are untalented.  I have had several during my short stint at this school that are playing if not starting on varsity.  I have even had a couple that are playing at smaller colleges.  Unfortunately, they are the exception and not the rule.

This year we had a good crop of players, and I was cautiously optimistic that a few of those players would find a way to the Gold team, and we might enjoy a successful season.  After talking with the Blue team coaches and the other Gold coaches, we had reached an equitable split of the players.  Enter Coach Nutcutter.

An aside as I tell you about Coach Nutcutter.  He is a bitter and joyless soul that lives to expand his ego.  He spoils his star players, and is crueler to the scrubs than the kids themselves.  He lives at the school.  He tortures the students in his classes and looks down at the rest of the coaching staff because we don't want to sit in a dark room and jack off to game tapes with him.  He has a family, but no pictures of them adorn his desk.  Thinking about his wife and kids might get in the way of the enemies list he is creating,  the asses he has to kiss, and the necks he must step on to get ahead in the profession.  He is a control freak that is so anal, that I believe he was potty trained at gun point.  His goal in life is either to be a head coach, or drive as many struggling students and athletes to suicide as he can.

Now getting back to the story at hand.  Coach Nutcutter entered the office and saw what we had done, and I thought for a second, his head was going to spin around and he would vomit pea soup.  To say he was dissatisfied would be an understatement.  He immediately took over the process we had spent more than an hour on, and in ten minutes, he had created a Super Blue team, while the Gold team will be lucky to get eleven kids who actually know what a football looks like on the field.  Kids that could have started and received valuable playing time and experience on the Gold team are relegated to mop up duty with the Super Blue.  Coach Nutcutter's reasoning:  He wants the Blue to be able to dominate their opponents and crush them.  Nothing less than that will do.  The Super Blue must annihilate all that stand in its way to lead to the title.  The last time I heard some one talk like this, eastern Europe was over run within a matter of months.  I guess that makes me Poland.

No comments:

Post a Comment